Love as the Effect, Not Cause, of Self-knowledge

I had written a few months back thus:

“Intellectually, I am a sage. Emotionally, I am just a teenager.”

When I say teenager, I am not merely referring to msyelf as one perpetually looking out for some kind of romantic love or another (though sometimes, especially these last few years, I may be a trifle guilty on that score).

I mean more broadly that there is an emotional unsettledness in my being.

God knows I have had very unfulfilling emotional relationships with both females and males (no, no, I am not Bisexual, you silly) and for that I am definitely quite a bit responsible, and also having had an emotionally tumultuous student life because I did NOT follow my svadharma and later on having a very erratic and financially unremunerative career that I was trying to navigate through while dealing with my Bipolar Disorder, I encountered quite a few emotional turmoils and I subjected a few to emotional angst and maybe even suffering on account of my ignorant self.

I take this opportunity to apologize sincerely to everyone to whomsoever I might have caused any inconvenience of any kind or any emotional distress through my behaviour, words or argumentative nature or because of my oh-so-immature and not-so-understanding self in addition to my other possible egregious errors of conduct.

The only comfort I derive in all this is these words of Nisargadatta Maharaj wherein he is saying not only I but all of us are incapable of real love until we realize our true nature — ah, now I need not think that I missed out on love much:

“That which you are, your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do for your own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it is your basic urge. Since time immemorial you loved yourself, but never wisely. Use your body and mind wisely in the service of the self, that is all. Be true to your own self, love your self absolutely. Do not pretend that you love others as yourself. Unless you have realised them as one with yourself, you cannot love them. Don’t pretend to be what you are not, don’t refuse to be what you are. Your love of others is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause. Without self-realisation, no virtue is genuine. When you know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through all that is and you are that life, you will love all naturally and spontaneously. When you realise the depth and fullness of your love of yourself, you know that every living being and the entire universe are included in your affection. But when you look at anything as separate from you, you cannot love it for you are afraid of it. Alienation causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious circle. Only self-realisation can break it. Go for it resolutely.” (from “I Am That: Dialogues of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj”)