18 Poems

The Urge

Sunrises and sunsets are beautiful

Stars in the night take my breath away

The blue sky, the mountains, flowers

The children, some men and women

Are good, pleasing, and lovable

Yet in me is this urge, this impulse

To withdraw into my own being

For the greater part of the day

Peeping out only for a few hours

To transact a bit with this world

To the extent that is at all feasible

And thereby inch closer and closer

To unravelling the mystery of life

That seems totally inaccessible

Except for a silent mind and heart.

Body, Mind and Heart

The moon is out

The stars are out

I cannot see them

From this city apartment

The neon lights flicker

I sit here alone in my room

Lapsing into and out of silence

Keeping pace with the ebb and tide

Of my inner world

And when silence reigns

Everything and everyone

Fade away into the peace

That fills my self

Fades away this world

In which this peace is not

And yet when the earth has moved

Across the night sky

Bringing me face to face

With bright light

I am called out of my silence

As many a thing need to be done

To keep this body alive

Many a thing also need to be done

To keep this mind and heart alive

In consonance

With other bodies, minds and hearts;

A big mystery it is

Whether it is I that choose

To keep the body, mind and heart alive

Or indeed what I am

Quite apart

From this body, mind and heart.

Do We Understand Others or Even Ourselves

The more we seek to be understood

The less we are understood,

And when we are understood

One wonders who it is the “we”

That is understood;

I don’t know about you but

I have serious doubts

As to who I am

Quite apart from

All these social identities

Foisted onto me.

So I live my life

With a whimsical smile on my face

How deluded we are

That not only we understand ourselves

But also others.

The Temptation

I am tempted

Really, really tempted

To go beyond all temptation

To withdraw from this world

This world of illusion

This world of vexation

This world of sorrow

This world of little worth

This world also of laughter

This world also of smiles

This world also of some joys

This world also of some loves

This world of duality

This world where nothing abides

This world where I find myself

Knowing not who I am.

Goddamned Life

Tired I am

Of this goddamned life

Life that can have no purpose

No meaning

Aside from what we concoct

Day after day

Brushing, bathing, eating, shitting

Working, meeting, sleeping

Thinking, talking, smiling

Maybe listening to music

Seeing a flick or chick

Travelling, and what else,

Yes, reading, writing,

And the search for Truth

That’s life for you

Goddamned life

That is such a nuisance

Especially when you realize

The search for Truth

Is a wild goose chase

Since the mind can never unravel it

“Keep quiet”

Is all that you are told

And life does not allow you

To keep quiet

With its incessant demands

Hour after hour

Day after day

Week upon week

Year on year

Lifelong

Till all you can long for

Is only death and permanent oblivion.

Amnesia

When I was young

When I was immature

I sought the safe way out

And entered med school

Regretted it from the get-go

But little could I do

Except to prod along

Skipping exams nonchalantly

Yet somehow passing eventually

Until I got certified

Though I dared not approach a patient

I knew not despite years of schooling

In that that goddamned med school

How to ease a man’s heartache

Or instill hope into him.

I passed out of med school

Still young and immature

I chose economics

God knows why

Maybe its hubris

To explain the human condition

Seduced me

Though only after a little while

I realized

How unequipped economics was

To explain to me the human.

Through these lanes and bylanes

Of the medical and the economy

I began to sit

At the feet of the madmen

And I remember nothing whatsoever

Of what I learnt in med school

And in the department of economics

At the Johns Hopkins University

Thank god for certain amnesias.

The Song Within My Heart

My heart sings a song today

The mind cannot hear it

The music and words float away

On what ears they will fall

And which heart will hear

Who can tell?

The Beckoning & Reckoning

12 noon to 12 midnight beckons

Beckons me to sit and stay quiet

Be not up and about in this world

This world spun from our desires

What do you hope to gain here

Except tiresomeness and tragedy

The twain that inevitably follow

In the wake of our ignorance

That this world is to be savoured.

One is Company, Two’s a Crowd

Nothing much to complain

About any of my relationships

But, you know how it is

One tires of all of them;

If one is looking in a direction

Opposite to most of them

Conversations falter

Doubts, suspicions reign

What is meant is unclear

Time starts to hang heavily

Eyes glaze over

One longs for solitude.

Iski Maa-Ki-Kirkiri

Earth spins round sun

Holy mackaroley

What earth? What sun?

Get real

Eyes lie

Magnify, magnify, magnify

And tell me what you see

No earth, no sun, right?

Where did they go

Disappeared

Right in front of your microsocopic eyes

What to trust and what not to trust?

Love? Tut, tut!

Magnify it and see, and tell me what you see!!

Things are not what they seem to be

Deception all around

In deception we live, in deception we die

And some say

In deception we are reborn

What a sordid satte of affairs

Yet we are called to earth

To live this illusion called life

And many seem happy enough

To make me wonder

If I am the fool.

Who am I anyway?

A Late Night Call from Friends

Cigarettes, wine, beer, and friends

There is a call to join ’em and celebrate

Sure, the night is still young for the young

But I can see the shadows of darkness

Slowly creeping up on me from all around

The light is slowly fading under the sun

I am not what I once used to be once

If at all I was what I was once upon a time

Even then I was not what I could have been

All around me were those who saw differently

Or was it I who saw it differently from them

At nineteen I felt like ninety, unable to connect

With any dream that others around me dreamed

Now that the wings have been clipped

The skies beckon not to me nor I wish for it

Content as I am to let the years roll by slowly

Into eternity’s unfathomed bliss of being.

Jugalbandi

Cut adrift from thought

The body will be a dud

Without a body

Thought will flounder

Together, body and mind

Make for a strange duo

Which we keep mistaking

For being ourselves

Thus, the world drama

Keeps unfolding.

Wine, Gin and a Couple of Cigarettes

In the company of friends –

Archana, Suresh and Mahesh –

On a lazy winter afternoon

When 2025 is still an infant

I had a little wine, a little gin

Bumming a couple of cigs from Mahesh

Realizing alcohol is a stupid thing

Unable to fathom why people drink

But cigarettes, oh my, they are exquisite

Like Oscar Wilde said, but do not worry

O my well-wishers, I ain’t getting addicted

To either cigarettes or alcohol, no, not at all

I who smoke or drink once in a blue moon

Like once or twice a year, no more!

At Block H-10, Chitrapuri Colony, Manikonda

Sitting here near flat 101

Comfortably on a stool

I wait for a friend to arrive

Who is making his way slowly

Through afternoon traffic.

Gentle cool breeze is blowing

Carrying the incessant sound

Of a drilling machine at a distance

And some sound filters through

From the floor above this one

As the lift goes up and down.

Thus, life is happening on this day

A lazy winter day with mild sun

And I sit here letting the day happen

Rather unhurriedly and peacefully.

A Mistake Called Life

This world recedes from my mind

Nothing seems to hold my attention

I seek nothing from anyone anymore

Gone is delusion about many a thing

Yet here I’m transacting with everyone

Most of all to give rather than take

My affection or whatever they seek

Why hold back when the heart is full

And the mind, too, rests in peace

Knowing that whatever it seeks here

Cannot give it what it really wants

Then compassion arises in my being

For all caught in this trap of living.

Miffed at the Misunderstanding

Often I remember her

From years gone by,

Wondering

What went wrong;

Still not knowing

Whether love was

If at all it was;

Both of us

Unable to know

What it was,

If at all it was,

That was between us,

And if it still is

Or can be rekindled,

Even though

We are now less innocent.

The Paradox

It’s not through thinking

That you will get there;

It is not through feeling

That you will get there;

It is not through effort

That you will get there;

It is not through silence

That you will get there;

It would seem to be that

The “there” itself ain’t there

How can it be there

The twins space and time

Themselves ain’t there;

Understanding this, fall silent

Else, what is the use?

Watching the Mind 12 Noon to 12 Midnight Everyday

“The world is too much with us; late and soon,

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers”–Wordsworth

As the clock strikes 11:55 in the morn

I switch off my mobile promptly

And walk up to my flat on the 5th floor

Two floors above my elder sister’s flat

Where I am there invariably everyday

Sometime between 11 am and 12 noon

Chatting with her over a cup of coffee

On topics from philosophy to family

From how she misses my brother-in-law

To how I sometimes wish for companionship.

Back in my flat, time ticks steadily

From 12 noon to 12 midnight, alone

Cut off from the world and its clamour

With the mobile and laptop off

Not a soul calls nor visits my place

I am by myself revelling in me-time

Whiling away the hours idly, joyfully.

Memories stream in now and then

Of distant past and recent days

I watch them unfold, bemusedly

No knowing who retrieves them

Without any effort on my part.

I take a bath quite leisurely

Unconcerned if someone is calling me

Sometimes there is laundry to do

Or maybe walk to the bank

All the while with the mobile off.

Mostly, I sit around for hours together

Allowing memories and thoughts to play

Sometimes questioning why I did what I did

Or why I want to do what I want to do

Almost as if there’s someone inside,

Quite distinct from I-Me-Myself,

Almost like a child, making demands

That’s the mind for you

Always thinking, wanting, wishing

I get tired of it and stay quiet

It slowly settles down, allowing me rest.

Soon it is time to drink some water

And maybe have some dinner

What? Dinner at 5 pm?

Yes, I have an early dinner

Then I saunter around room to room

Letting the mind chatter as it wants.

Then the call of the muezzin

And the chiming of the temple bells

Evening has come and peace visits.

I wonder a bit now and then

About posting on Facebook and Instagram

“Should I open a LinkedIn account again?”

Then just as quickly banish these thoughts

Lest I switch on the mobile again.

Night descends, children making sound

The lift goes up and down

I keep sitting still in the chair

Observing the shenanigans of the mind.

Then I observe a knot in the chest

An emotion of some vague sort

Loneliness? Regret? Know not what it is

(“Man is a social animal”, said a friend)

Making me a trifle uncomfy for a while

I neither name it nor wish it away

Just observe it, curiously, letting it be

Under my watchful gaze it withers away.

And, at the stroke of the midnight hour

While the world sleeps, I awaken

To what missed messages there be

Before hitting the bed for a sound sleep.